So it’s been several weeks….okay over two months….since I returned home. It’s been a pretty big adjustment, to say the least. I never in a million years would have expected such a drastic change in my thoughts on basically everything. I mean, I KNEW that this journey would change me but I would have never thought to this extent.
The first experience to tip me off was the trip my mom and I took on Sail Windajmmer’s majestic Mandalay where I suddenly found myself surrounded by people at all times; a feeling I had not experienced in MONTHS. It was a bit unnerving…my circle, at most, had been upwards of two whole people for the last few months prior to that and the adjustment to sudden and constant companionship seemed foreign. Now, if you’ve been following along, you know that at one point I was so very lonely, spending endless hours and days without reprieve from my own mind so this particular introduction back into ‘society’ was actually pretty perfect considering there were only about a dozen people on board. Strangely, though, I found myself seeking out places on the ship where I would sit in silence…alone. I would sometimes read or write in my journal but more often than not, I was simply sitting with nothing but my own thoughts. Wow….what a difference….not long ago, I feared the idea of sitting alone without some form of stimulation be it my iPad, a book, a television show or another human being with whom I could converse. Now, I find that I actually seek this time alone to reflect and think and simply enjoy my surroundings and appreciate the feeling of NOW.
Upon traveling back to the states and arriving in Miami, I endured a full assault on every one of my senses. I had thought I had prepared myself for this but it became painfully clear that I had not. Literally. I developed a headache so crippling that I had to cut off my poor dad when he was asking all sorts of questions on the phone. He was excited his little girl had returned but all I could think about was the noise from the numerous cars passing by, the smell of jet fuel in the air, the multiple people having conversations on their cell phones and the immense pounding between my temples. Sorry, Pops. We made the three hour drive home, stopping for a hamburger because I was craving one (it was amazing) and I promptly tucked myself into my old bed at my moms house when we finally walked through the door that evening. Waking up that first morning was surreal. As my consciousness began stirring, I stretched out my arms and legs and sat up, looked to my right to see the beautiful ocean and thank my angels for watching over me as I slept as I had done every morning for the past 90 days only to find that my surroundings had changed once again. There was a pang of sadness at the thought that I would not get up and head up the steps to join Joy and Hans that morning nor would I head down the steps to feed Red and Bella. My trip had come to an end. It took several days for me to realize that although I was no longer a temporary Grenadian, I carry the island and my friends there with me everyday. That, although the trip was over, my journey was not.
Over the next few weeks, I tried to calibrate my schedule and get accustomed to my new lack of aloneness. I often thought back to the nights where I would keep my mom on FaceTime long past the moment where she clearly was ready to hangup while I ate my dinner just so I didn’t have to feel alone. Now, I am hardly ever alone…bouncing back and forth between my folk’s houses and making an effort to become social again (large groups of people still make me a bit uncomfortable). I know I must bother a lot of people as they watch me check out of conversation and stare blankly, retreating into my head lost in thought. I can only assume that it must seem like I am suddenly uninterested in the topic of the conversation but the truth is, I’m just distracted by a thought or sound or simply taking a moment to mentally breathe.
I have also become completely uninterested in current events. Not the real, life-altering kind of stuff…that I still pay attention to, of course…just the manufactured bullshit that assaults us every day from multiple outlets. I take no notice of the circus that is the Presidential Primary’s or what name Kim and Kanye came up with to call their newest addition. I honestly couldn’t care less about any of it and I have to make a conscious effort to avoid it. None of it makes a difference as far as I am concerned and I have learned to focus my attention and thinking towards things that make a positive impact in my life and to tune out the rest. Often, I find myself driving to the beach to just sit by myself. I turn off my phone and center myself. This is not something I would have done before unless I were running away from something…now I just feel myself becoming overwhelmed or off balance and find somewhere quiet to take a time out.
One of the biggest changes, at least in my opinion, is that I have little problem walking away from things that don’t serve me. I have a much easier time saying no to anything that I just don’t feel like doing. It’s taken a bit of practice, honestly, as I have always felt the pull of guilt and obligation to say yes. What an amazing freeing feeling to just be able to say “no, I don’t want to do that” or “no, but thanks for the offer”. In addition to this newly acquired talent, I don’t much feel the need to explain myself…a social construct that has always annoyed me a bit…I never quite understood why it was our obligation to give an explanation or excuse as to why you did or didn’t do or say something. No one is owed insight into why you came to any particular conclusion, you just did and that should honestly be enough. So I guess now I’m maybe a little less understood, a little more selfish…but a lot happier.
For those of you wondering, my next big adventure lies in another move to a new state. It’s been nearly 7 months since I sold my house in Tennessee and started living wherever my head rested at night. Seven months and five homes. I’m ready to at least have a space to call mine again so come the end of January, I will be making my way to Austin, TX where the prideful mantra is “keep Austin weird”. Austin, I hope you’re ready to get a whole lot weirder…this wanderer is about to sweep into town and leave nothing standing in her wake! I’ve decided that I will give it a year and at the end of the year, I will make an assessment as to whether I stay there or try another place. One thing I’ve learned through the past two years is that even the most carefully laid plans can fall apart; you can have your next ten years of life planned out and they can be taken from you in a split second. So I’m adjusting my approach. I will live with an open heart and mind for one year in one place and see how it goes.